Can't Control Herself
by natzbadfairy
Summary: Merediths mother is in hospital and Addison has a fight with Meredith, only to screw up her marriage...MerDer fluff later on
1. A meeting too far

**Disclaimer: I do not own Greys Anatomy as Derek shepherd would be mine other wise **

**Author's notes: Derek picked Addison, Meredith did not sleep with George, Denny doesn't exist, Alex and Izzie are together so are Christina and Burke.**

Meredith was sitting in the on call room, thinking about her mother. It had been twelve years since she got altzimers and she recognised Meredith properly. She had just been brought into the hospital after having a seizure. Meredith just stood and watched as her mother convulsed on the table. Meredith's pager went off.

'_Grey-meeting-boardroom-urgent-now'_

Closing her eyes and drying her cheeks, she pulled herself together, knowing it was probably about her mother and her diagnosis. How wrong she was. As Meredith opened the door she was surprised to see there was only one person in the room.

'What do you want?'

'To find out why you're screwing up my marriage?'

'Addison I really don't need this right now. My…'

'Guess what I don't need my marriage to break down but hey, it's happening anyway,' Meredith put her hands on her hips and looked at Addison. She didn't have a clue about Meredith mother. Addison stood at the end of the table with her arms folded looking smugly at Meredith.

'Ok Addison, what do you want to know?'

'Why you screwed my husband?'

'Why did you screw Mark?'

'Meredith that is none of your business,'

'Wrong Addison, it is my business. Derek left you and came down here and I fell in love with him,' Meredith started walking towards Addison. 'It was supposed to be a on night stand but he turned out to be my boss and we got together. But then you showed up and fucked it all up, like you usually do with people lives, Derek's, Marks, mine…'

'Shut your mouth Grey. Just because your mother was a surgeon you think you own this place, Newsflash you don't and from what I heard your mother can't even control herself,'

'You fucking bitch,' Meredith's temper broke, letting her fists talk for once, Meredith smashed her hand against Addison's face like and egg against a wall. Addison fell to the floor and started shouting for help when George burst in. Putting his hands on Meredith's arms he guided her out of the board room and down into the on call room.

'She said my mother couldn't control herself,'

'Meredith, tell me everything that happened,'

'She paged me for a meeting…I didn't know it was her…she was asking me about Derek…then I started laying into her about Mark …she said my mom couldn't control herself,' and with that Meredith began sobbing, uncontrollably. George threw his arms around her as she fell to the ground. Ten minutes passed when Derek burst in with Addison and Chief in tow.

'Meredith what the hell did…' Derek was caught in mid sentence on the sight he was seeing. Meredith was lying on the floor, crying, with George trying to soothe her.

'Derek get that bitch out of here before I do something I will regret,' Derek turned to George. Addison growled and left the three men with Meredith.

'George, what happened?'

'I wasn't there but apparently Satan started on Meredith's mom, saying that she couldn't control herself. Meredith lost her temper and smacked Addison. She's been like this since I brought her in here,' Derek knelt down and picked her up, carrying her over to a bed. George stood up and fixed his scrubs.

'Thank you O' Malley, will you and get Dr Bailey for me?'

'Yes Chief,' George scurried out the room leaving Meredith crying into Derek's chest. After five minutes she sat up to face Chief.

'I guess that means I'm suspended then,'

'Wait, what happened?' Chief pulled up a stool in front of Meredith.

'I got a page saying there was a meeting,' Meredith wiped her face.

'When I arrived she was standing at the end of the table. I knew she wanted to fight so I tried to explain that I wasn't up for it when she started asking questions about you and I and I turned on her and told her what I thought,' Taking a breath in Meredith continued.

'That's when she said my mother couldn't control herself,' Meredith's head fell.

'I lost my temper and punched her,' Derek stood up and left Chief with Meredith

'You're not suspended but I am giving you the rest of the day off,' Bailey walked in and saw that Meredith's face was red and her eyes were swollen.

'O' Malley said you wanted to see me,'

'Just to let you know that your going to be an intern down the rest of the day…don't ask…I'll explain later,' Meredith looked at Bailey as she smiled weakly, looking at the young inter that she had a soft spot for. Curling up on the bed, Meredith let go again and fell asleep as the tears ran down her cheeks.


	2. Whispers and Shouts

**N/A Thank you so much for my reviews…they make me write faster! Please read and Review!**

Addison stood at the nurses' station, wondering what was going on when the shout of her name made her jump.

'HOW COULD YOU?' Derek was shouting from the other side of the corridor. Her face went red.

'I…I don't understand,'

'Bull shit…you lied but most of all you bad mouthed her MOTHER!' The nurses around them turned and looked at Addison.

'I Never knew yu could stoop so low. Her mother is up in ICU fighting for her life. I'm surprised she didn't kill you. And the papers are signed and, I want you out of the trailer, TONIGHT!' Derek left Addison standing on her own in the middle of the hospital, feeling like an ass and the fact the entire floor was watching her didn;'t help. Lifting her charts she headed down to the maternity, her safe heaven but not even that could save her now. Placing the charts in the slots, she felt like somebody was watching her.

'Miranda, What's wrong?'

'You, Addison, You are what's wrong,'

'Bailey, what are you talking about?'

'Don't treat me like a fool. You must be screwed up in the head. I really respected you Addison but now…your just as low as they get,' Bailey walked away leaving Addison to think about what was happening. Her life was crumbling down around her and all because of an intern. Going into and empty private room, Addison looked at herself in the mirror. What she had become shocked her.

'I can't do this anymore,' was all she could say. Fixing her hair and putting her smile back on Addison went out to fight the rest of Seattle Grace. After her rounds, Addison went for a coffee but realised that every nurse and doctor must of known what she had said. They whispered, some even talked loudly so that she could hear them.

'Apparently she's fighting for her life in ICU,'

'I feel sorry for Meredith, her mother doesn't recognise her most of the time. It's a shame that some people are so cruel,' With every comment, Addison could feel all her respect and dignity falling to pieces. Lifting her coffee, she left the cafeteria to the looks of disgust and also anger. Going back down to maternity and into the private room, Addison felt like she could do no more. Locking the door and closing the blinds, she lay on the bed and pleaded to god that he would take her there and then. Thoughts of Derek entered her mind but it was mainly Meredith who filled her thoughts. Guilt racked her body as she relived the moment that Derek found her in the on-call room with George. His face said everything. He still loved Meredith and she knew it.


	3. Mom?

**Sorry the last Chapter was so short hopefully this one is longer!**

Meredith woke up to see Derek sitting in the on-call room, watching her sleep. Sitting up she remembered what had happened.

'Is my mom ok?'

'She's in ICU. I've not been up since earlier,'

'What time is it?'

'Just hitting 2:30. You hungry?'

'Yeah but I'm gonna get changed first before I eat,' Meredith took her scrub top off to show a skin tight white top.

'Where's Addison?' Meredith scraped her hair up into a messy ponytail.

'I don't know and I don't care. She is no longer my wife,' Meredith looked at Derek. He was deadly serious. Meredith finished scraping her hair back before going over and sitting next to Derek.

'I'm sorry,'

'What for?'

'Destroying your marriage,'

'Mere, it wasn't you. When Addison slept with Mark our marriage ended. When I had the choice between her and you…I only chose her because she had eleven years of my life and I had to at least try. Today was the final straw. When I left you and chief I screamed at her down the hall and gave her warnings to leave the trailer by tonight,' Meredith put her hand on Derek's face. Turning to face Meredith, they locked eyes. Meredith turned away from Derek.

'I should go and see my mom,'

'Yeah…(cough)…I'll see you up there,' Meredith disappeared to the locker room, realising that she was still madly in love with him, but he had broke her heart and he could do it again.

Derek sat in disbelief. He had just let the woman he loved go again after divorcing his wife. Why couldn't he just rewind the past and choose Meredith, let Addison go back to New York and let him and Meredith be happy. But no he was a bastard to Meredith and he felt as though he had blown every chance he ever had with her. Holding his head in his hands, he felt his pager go off.

'No rest for the wicked,'

'_SHEPHERD-ICU-ELLISGREY'_

Derek jumped up and ran up to Ellis Grey's room to see her convulsing again. Three nurses were holding her on her side.

'10mg Diazepam,' a small whisper like voice slipped through the sound of her body moving rapidly.

'Mom…' Derek turned round sharply to see Meredith's eyes fill with tears. Ellis Grey's body stopped convulsing but he knew there was a much greater problem. Lifting her CT scan up to the x-ray light, Derek spotted a shadow. A Cerebral tumour was causing the fits. Knowing she would need surgery to remove it, he booked an OR under his name, not trusting anybody else with her case. . Meredith stood and watched as Derek turned her back and intubated her for surgery. She was frozen on the spot, unresponsive to anything that anybody was saying or doing. It was the sound of boots coming along the corridor that brought her back. Meredith looked away from her mother to see Addison walk past her and down to the nurses' station, totally oblivious to Meredith, who had followed her.

'Can you tell me where Dr Shepherd is?'

'Yes he's down in room 3268,'

'Thanks,' Addison turned on her heels to see Meredith standing directly behind her. Addison stumbled backwards to the desk.

'Worried that I'll give you a black eye this time Addison that will destroy your perfect image?' Addison looked around fro somebody but there was nobody.

'Guess what Addison? You know how my mom can't control herself; well she's got a cerebral tumour. And I blame you…Yes Addison You!' Meredith pushed Addison and held her down on the desk.

'If anything happens to my mom and I'm not there because of you, let it be on your HEAD,' Meredith stood up as Addison shouted for help.

'Don't go near her or I swear to God…' Derek came running down the corridor and dragged Meredith away to her mothers' room.

'She needs you Mere, stay here,' Derek went back along to Addison.

'She needs controlling Derek, she just attacked me…'

'What the fuck! Addison, shut up right now, I don't want to here it. You deserve everything that you get,'

'I won't sign the papers until I get a reason why you won't to divorce me?'

'You are unbelievable, get out my life and stay out, go back to New York with Mark, he loves you, I don't,' Addison turned away from Derek and headed towards the elevator, holding back the tears. Derek leant back against the wall and took a deep breath in and went back along to Ellis's room. Meredith was sitting in the red chair next to her mother's bed, holding her hand.

'Mom, its Meredith. It's ok; everything's going to be ok,' Derek stood at the door and watched Meredith.

'What are her chances?'

'There's risks with every surgery, you know that better that most people but I think she has a good chance to come out the surgery and be ok,'

'Sit with me a while, just until her surgery,' Derek walked over and put his arm around Meredith. She leaned back and put her head on his chest. She sat with her mum until half and hour before her surgery when she go wheeled away and Derek left too.

'I promise I will do my best,' squeezing her hand he left her standing outside the doors.

'Please god let her be ok,' Meredith slumped herself down against the wall, knowing she would be there for a long time.


	4. Addison and Mark

**Thanks for my reviews…please keep reviewing…they inspire me to write! **

Addison stepped into the elevator and pressed for it to go up but she couldn't face anybody else. Pulling the emergency stop button, she fell to the floor and began crying. She had never done so much crying in her life. Her marriage had fallen apart. It brought back memories of when her and Mark were together.

Addison was standing in the mirror in the hall when the front door went. Mark was standing with a bottle of red wine.

'I guessed you could use some cheering up,'

'Come on in, you know where the glasses are,' Addison went into the living room and slumped on the couch. The past few days had taken its toll. Ever since Derek's patient, Toby Rimes had died, he didn't want sex, and he wouldn't go near her. Addison had phoned Mark and told him everything but she didn't think anything of their late night phone calls or texts that they had started sending each other. 

'Here…I poured you a large one,' Addison gracefully accepted the red wine.

'What time is Derek due back?'

'Not time five tomorrow morning. He has started arranging his shifts so that we only get to see each other for an hour a day. I can't do this much longer. I hate the fact he doesn't want to come near me or even talk to me. It's killing me,' Mark took hold of her hand and kissed it. 

'He might not see how special you are, but I do, and I know that you don't deserve what he's doing to you.' Addison smiled and threw her head back to get her hair out of her face. Mark put his glass down turned Addison's face to look at him. Addison and him locked eyes and put her own glass down. Taking his head in her hands placed a kiss on his lips. Mark wrapped his hands round her waist, slipping his hands under her top. 

'Upstairs…' Taking his hand she led him upstairs into hers and Derek's master bedroom. The night was magical until Derek walked in. She can't forget the look on his face as she lay on Marks chest, his hand drawing shapes on her back. It was a look of utter disgust mixed with anger and sadness. It was the last time she saw him until she came to Seattle to get him.

Pulling her knees up to her chest Addison could feel like she had to leave Seattle and go back to Mark. He said he would wait for her at the flat. She knew he loved her and she loved him and could grow to love him the same way that she used to love Derek. Pulling herself together she pulled the emergency stop button out and fixed her hair. Putting her big fake smile on for the second time that day she went out to face Seattle Grace. Heading straight for Richard Webbers office, she could feel inside herself that she was doing the right thing. She knocked his door to hear a groggy voice reply.

'Come in,' Addison stuck her head round the door.

'Richard, can I talk to you for two minutes?'

'Yes, I wanted to have a word with you anyway,'

'Yeah, you go first,'

'I have been thinking about what to say to you for a while now and I have finally decided what to do,' Addison bowed her head.

'I'm leaving for New York in two days, and it was just to tell you that you would need a new neo-natal specialist,'

'Addison, I already have set up your replacement. I was asking you to leave Seattle Grace. I knew that New York General wanted you back so I had a look about and I have a young but very skilled you resident taking your place, as of now. You are now no longer a member of staff at Seattle Grace as the young consultant is already here,'

'Richard…you probably think I'm a bitch for what I said…'

'Your damn right Addison I do, but I don't want to hear what went on. All I know is that you made a comment that was off hand and is affecting a member of staff and her family as we speak. I'm sorry to say this Addison but we are not parting on good terms, now will you please leave my office as I have a meeting that's about to start,'

'Thanks for having me Richard.' And with that, Addison knew that she had made no friends and many enemies in Seattle and that New York was her home and her home was with Mark. Emptying her locker she left Seattle Grace and as she did she felt as though a great weight was lifted from her shoulders. But best of all she knew that Derek would be happy from now on in and she had made him happy by leaving. The rain was coming down hard but it didn't stop her having one last look at Seattle Grace. It seemed a shame that she was leaving on bad terms but she knew that it wasn't possible to leave on good terms. Throwing her bag into her car, she lifted her cell and dialled Mark's number.

'Mark?'

'Addison, what's wrong?'

'I'm coming home,' a smile broke out across her face. 'I'm coming home to you,'

'I'll get you at Joes, get all your stuff. I'll book flights we can be in New York by the morning. Addison I love you more than life itself.'

'I love you too Mark. I'll get you in an hour,' Closing her cell she put her foot on the accelerator until she reached the trailer. Throwing the few things she had in a bag she went to the table and started writing Derek a note.

_Derek, as you are reading this there's a very high chance Ill be on the plane, going back to New York. I'm sorry that I came back into your life, I'm sorry for what I said to Meredith and about her but most of all I'm sorry that I made up unhappy. I should of known that you loved her and not me. I don't know why you put up with me for so long but I'm grateful that we tried. Again I'm sorry; I hope Ellis Grey is ok. Tell Meredith I am truly sorry and that you two are meant to be together. I'm going back to New York to restart my life. I'm sorry that I screwed your life up before I realised that it wasn't meant to be. Be happy Derek, and maybe on day we might even meet each other and be able to smile about our marriage._

_All the best Derek _

_Addison _

Taking her wedding ring and engagement ring off Addison laid them next to the note. Taking a last look around the trailer she closed her eyes. This was it. The last time she would be here. Leaving the trailer and heading to Joes she felt a sense of calmness was over her as she headed into her new life with Mark.


	5. The woman he loved

**N/A thanks so much for my reviews...they make me write faster:) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy cause if i did then Dr Derek Shepherd would be mine! **

George changed out of his scrubs when Izzie and Christina walked in.

'Hey, you seen Meredith anywhere?'

'Yeah, she might be up on ICU with her mom,'

'Is he mom ok? What happened?'

'She had a seizure at the home and they brought he in but that's not the good news,'

'Well duh George, ok course it's not good news, but what is?' Christina and Izzie were changed out of their scrubs.

'Meredith smacked Addison in the board room!'

'Seriously! Seriously!'

'I'm surprised you guys didn't hear about it. But there's more!'

'What?' Izzie hated being left out,'

'Derek divorced Addison because of it!'

'Seriously!' Christina clapped her hands together and pretended to pray.

'YES! Satan is going back to hell!'

'Not for a few days I'm not Christina,'

The here interns jumped at the sound of Addison's voice. Izzie and Christina made excuses to leave but George stood, staring at Addison.

'Is there something wrong O'Malley?'

'You, I had respect for you…and…how good a surgeon…you were, but now you're an evil bitch,' George turned to walk away when Addison shouted.

'Meredith's on the OR floor, her mom's being operated on by Derek for a cerebral tumour,' George turned his head to Addison and kept walking, not wanting her to sense that he was glad that she had told him. George went outside to see Izzie and Christina heading over to their cars.

'You Guy's, Meredith needs us. Her mom's being operated on,'

Five minutes later the three interns were outside the operating theatre with Meredith.

'How long had if been?'

'45 minutes. Another five and I'm going in,'

'No, I'll go,' Izzie stood up and went into the sterile room. Looking through the glass, she could see that Derek was in full concentration looking down on Ellis Greys head. Derek looked up after sensing that someone was watching him. Nodding to Izzie in acknowledgement she smiled back. Turning back to Ellis Grey he began separating the blood vessels that were connecting it to the brain. It was and intricate job but Derek had done it so many times that it had become second nature to him. After the blood vessels were separated he gently pulled the tumour out. It was a big tumour and he understood why she had had the seizures now. After closing up he instructed for her to be taken along to ICU. Cleaning himself up he looked at the clock. Two and half hours was how long he had been operating. It felt like ten hours. Pushing the doors open he spotted Meredith, sleeping on the floor. George and Izzie were sitting next to her. Gently wakening Izzie he whispered.

'Her moms out of surgery, she's along in ICU, ill lift Meredith along, you follow with George,' Bending down, Derek lifted Meredith. She stirred and looked up to her face. She smiled and nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck, taking hold of his scrubs at the same time. Derek sat next to Ellis Greys bed, still holding Meredith like a baby. It was another twenty minutes before she woke up.

'Hey,'

'How's my mom?'

'She's ok, it was a big tumour but I got it all out,'

'Why didn't you wake me?'

'I figured it was going to the only sleep that your going to be getting for a while,' Meredith smiled and kept sitting on his legs. He leaned back on the chair and let her lean back on him.

'Mere, I know this isn't perfect timing but I love you,' Meredith sat up sharply and turned to face him.

'Damn right it isn't perfect timing, but I love you too,' Meredith kissed him and turned back to face her mother.

'When do you think she'll wake up?'

'It should be soon, she was only operated on for two and a half hours so she should be ok before six tonight. But I'm not making any promises,' Meredith looked at the clock, it was four o' clock. Another two hours before she could let the worrying subside. Derek sat with her, checking Ellis's vitals every fifteen minutes. It was at quarter to five that Ellis grey began to wake up. Meredith looked over at Derek who was checking her eyes.

'Both eyes are responsive,'

'Mer…mere…Meredith?'

'I'm here mom?'

'Your supposed to be at school, why aren't you there?'

'It's a holiday mom, your in the hospital, is your head sore?'

'It's just a head ache, I'll take some pain killers, where's Richard?'

'Richard who?'

'Richard Webber, I need to speak to him,'

'Mom, it's ok you can see him later,'

'Meredith, don't tell me what to do or who to see, I'm going to see Richard, we need to talk and I want you back in school for lunch time, ok?'

'Yeah mom, I'll go now,'

'Dr Shepherd, can I talk to you for a minute?' Derek followed her out.

'I'm going to go and get Webber, she how she acts with him, I won't be long,'

'Mere, it's ok, remember she's just woke up after brain surgery, she may seem a lot worse but give her time,' Derek kissed her forehead and let her leave. Walking back in Ellis started talking to Derek.

'What's your name?'

'Dr Derek Shepherd, do you know where you are?'

'I'm in Boston General, where else could I be?'

'Dr Grey, your in Seattle Grace hospital,'

'I have to go; I've got surgeries to go to,'

'No, I cleared you diary, I took on all your cases so your off work just now,'

'Thank you Dr Shepherd, do you know where my daughter is?'

'She's gone to get Dr Webber, she won't be long,'

'Thank you Dr Shepherd,' Derek went out as stood at the window, watching Ellis Grey. She seemed confused, but he figured that was normal.

Meredith chapped Richard Webbers office door. A grumble was heard from inside but Meredith couldn't make out what was being said. Pushing his door open she stuck her head round the door.

'I said I didn't want to be interrupt…Meredith, is your mother ok?' He stood up sharply

'She's just woke up, she's asking to see you, can I talk to you?'

'Yes, is something wrong?'

'No I just want to talk and ask you a few questions,'

'Anything, what is it?' Meredith sat down on the seat and fixed her shirt.

'When I was growing up, you and my mum…you got really close and you were more like a dad to me than Thatcher was,' Meredith took a deep breath in.

'My mom moved to Boston to get away from all the heartache that happened. I still see you as more of a father figure to me than anyone else and I just wanted you to know that no matter what happens I want you to be involved in my mom's life,' Webber was taken back by what Meredith was saying.

'Meredith, the reason your mother left was because I couldn't bring myself to leave Adele, but I never stopped loving your mother and she still has a soft spot In my heart and always will. I was worried that you were going to shut me out of you and your mother's life because of what happed,'

'Chief, I would never do that. She sits and talks about you all the time, well, when she starts talking about the hospital anyway.'

'Meredith, is there anything you wanted to ask me?'

'I just wanted to know if you still cared for my mom but it's obvious that you still do. She wants to see you. Come see her please?'

'I'll be up in few minutes and Meredith, thank you, for saying what you have, it means a lot,' Meredith smiled and left Webber sitting, think about everything that's he had just said. Lifting his lab coat, he headed up to the room where the woman he loved was.


	6. He hadn't Heard

**N/A Thanks for all reviews given…Make me write faster**

**Christina and Burke are together**

**Alex and Izzie are together**

**Addison is out of the picture…for now**

Richard Webber stood outside her room, looking in at Ellis Grey and how she was interacting with her daughter. She seemed happy, sitting chatting away, but knew that this was one of her good days. Meredith was sitting holding hands with Derek.

'Please, don't hurt her Derek.' Meredith was giggling when she turned around, feeling she was being watched. Locking eyes with Chief she stood up and went to get him.

'She's talking about you and the day we went to the beach. Remember I pulled you in the water and you had to drive home soaking wet,' A smile spread across his face as he remember the feeling of the wet cloths against his skin.

'Keep that smile on and come in and see her. If she says anything about you and Adele or Thatcher I'll leave with Derek and you can talk. Keep her happy and agree with what she is saying,' Meredith took hold of his hand and squeezed it. Pulling him in Ellis Greys eyes lit up.

'Richard…'

'How you feeling Ellis?'

'I'm fine. How are you?'

'I'm great Ellis; Meredith was telling me you were remembering the beach,'

'Yeah, that day was great, we should do it again during the summer holidays when Meredith's off school,'

'Yeah we should, and go on the carousels again,'

'Richard carousels give me the creeps. We should go on the dodgems though, you liked them Meredith,'

'Yeah, you two kept going for me though,' Meredith stared laughing; something that Derek hadn't heard in a while. They sat talking about that day when Ellis turned.

'Why am I here?'

'Mom, you took ill but your ok,'

'Meredith, you grew up,'

'Yeah, I did,'

'It's a shame, I can't remember you growing up,'

'I'm a surgeon now,'

'I hope you don't fall for somebody in the hospital. It's horriable.'

'Mom, this is Derek, my partner, he's your doctor.'

'Nice to meet you,' Ellis looked over at Richard and smiled.

'How's life treating you Richard?'

'Really well Ellis, And you?'

'I can't complain. I'm tired tho,'

'Ok, mom, I'll come and see you tomorrow,' Meredith got up and Kissed her head. Derek checked her vitals and left notes in her charts that she was to be checked on and that he was to be paged if anything happened. Richard sat with Ellis Grey until she fell asleep. Getting up to leave, he leaned n a dn kissed her fore head. What he didn't know was that Adele was standing outside watching as her husband kissed his ex mistress goodnight. Going along to his office she left him a small note.

_Came to get you. Seen you were with a patient. I'll see you at home_

_Love Adele_

_Xxx_

Richard read the note and realised that she had seen him with Ellis. Scrunching the note up and throwing it in the bin he lifted folders and his jacket and left the office for the day, realising that it had been the most stressful day he had had in awhile.


	7. Can they get any louder?

**N/A thanks for all reviews…very much appreciated! **

Richard Webber could feel his eyes growing tired as he entered his front door. Adele was sitting in the living room, reading a book.

'Hi,'

'Hi'

'Are you ok?'

'Yeah, I came to get you but you were with a patient,'

'Yeah,'

'Ellis Grey of all patients,'

'Adele she's sick. Meredith needs me,'

'Are you sure it's Meredith that needs you and not her. Richard I know you loved her once and I know you don't just turn love on and off,'

'Adele, she's my patient. I'm not going to stop going to see that just because of the past,'

'Richard, she's your ex mistress, it's a different ball game all together. And she's not your patient, she's Derek's,'

'Adele, I don't want to go into this now. All I'll say is that the past is the past and you're the woman I love and the woman I hope will stay with me till the end of time. If it hurts you so much that I go and see her then I won't,'

'Richard you know that's not the point,'

'Adele, I'm going to bed,' Richard walked away from the argument that he knew was growing, leaving Adele in the living room, fuming.

Derek pulled out the hospital car park and followed Meredith home. Izzie and George were sitting in the living room.

'Hey, how's your mom?'

'Yeah she's ok, listen, I'm just gonna go to bed,'

'You ok?'

'Yeah... I'm great,' Meredith tried to sneak Derek past the two who were facing the TV.

'Hey Derek,' Izzie had shot up and started waving backwards.

'Hey Izzie, George,' Derek nodded his head and started laughing. Meredith walked up the stairs in front of him. His hands started tickling her sides.

'DEREK!' Meredith squealed as she ran up the stairs, him in tow. Running in her room she flopped on the bed, pulling him down on top of her. As he kissed her neck she whispered in his ear.

'I'm going for a shower…' Meredith turned him over and headed for the bathroom, taking her cloths off as she headed to the door. Derek did the same and followed Meredith in. She took her hair out and let it fall down her back. Turning the lights off she stepped in the shower and started washing her hair. The smell of lavender was driving Derek crazy. Meredith washed the soap out her hair and turned to face Derek. The water was running down on top of them. Pulling her in close he began kissing her neck, sending shivers down her spine. All thoughts off her mother and the day's stresses and strains were soon gone from her head and all that she was thinking about was how much she loved Derek.

Izzie and George were sitting watching the television, full volume.

'God, can they get any louder,'

'You shouldn't of said that,' George got up and headed into the kitchen.

'You want a cup cake?'

'Yeah and can I get some coffee too,' the phone started ringing and Izzie answered it.

'Hi?'

'Hi is Meredith Grey there?'

'Eh…she's busy just now, can I take a message?'

'Can you inform her that Dr Shepherd is being paged to perform emergency surgery on her mother? She was bleeding into her brain.'

'Yeah I will, thanks,' Izzie slammed the phone down and ran up the stairs and started banging on the door.

'Meredith…Meredith!'

'Izzie…in case you didn't know I'm kina busy,'

'I got a call from the hospital, Dr Shepherd they are trying to page you, it's your mom Meredith,' the shower turned off and Meredith and Derek opened the door.

'What did they say?'

'They said…she's bleeding into her brain,'

'Christ, Mere I got to go,'

'I'm coming with you,' Five minutes later Meredith and Derek were pulling out of the driveway.

'Derek, is she going to be ok?'

'Honestly Mere, I don't know,' as they pulled up outside the hospital Meredith got a sense of dread in her stomach. Derek handed her the keys and ran in ahead of her. Locking up the car she could see Christina standing inside.

'Hey, you heard anything about my mother?'

'Mere…'

'What's wrong?'

'You should go and see her,' Meredith left Christina standing and headed up to her mothers room. Derek was standing in his scrubs, watching as her mother was being disconnected from the machines and attached to portable ones on the trolley.

'Get her down to OR 2,'

'Derek, what's happening?'

'She's bleeding into her brain, she must of ruptured. I need to go,'

'Derek, please, save her,'

'Meredith, I promise I'll try,' Derek ran off behind her mother's gurney, leaving Meredith sitting in her mothers room, waiting, for a second time, to see if her mother was going to be ok. Christina stuck her head round the door.

'Derek operating?'

'Yeah, I don't want to watch…I couldn't'

'You want company?'

'Yeah, please,' Christina sat next to Meredith in silence for forty minutes when Derek walked down the corridor. Meredith stood up sharply and walked over to Derek.

'Derek?' Derek didn't say anything.

'Derek, what happened?'


	8. I tried

'Meredith, she was too far gone, I'm sorry,' Meredith took a step back. Derek put his arms around her as she collapsed onto him. She wasn't crying but she couldn't stand. Derek was holding her up when she finally began crying. She couldn't hold it in any longer. The sobs consumed her body.

'I have to tell Richard, myself' Meredith lifted her bag and headed for the front door.

'Meredith, wait…call him in, don't do it at his home,' Meredith stopped and turned to face Derek.

'Ok,' Meredith went along to the on call room and lifted the phone.

'Adele?'

'Yes, Meredith?'

'Yeah is Richard there?'

'I'll go get him,' there was a long pause before a groggy, sleepy voice answered.

'Meredith, what's wrong?'

'Richard, I need you here, please don't be long,'

'Meredith, what's happened?'

'Please, Richard, I'll explain when you get here,' Meredith put the phone down and sat on the on-call beds. She had never imagined that her mother would die. It was a total shock to her system. Derek stood at the door and watched her. He felt so bad. He was the one that had performed the surgery on her mom; he was the one that tried to save her but failed.

'Meredith, I'm sorry,'

'Derek, I know you tried your best,'

'I'm so sorry,'

'Derek shut up and come here,' Derek sat next to her on the bed and hugged her. Pulling himself back so he was leaning against the wall he could feel her heart beat slowing down. She was beginning to calm down.

'I have to go and meet Richard,'

'You want me to tell him?'

'No, I want it to come from me,'

Meredith slid off the bed and left Derek sitting on his own. He felt responsible for her death. Meredith stood outside in the rain waiting for Chief to arrive. She tried to prepare herself and what she was going to say to him but she couldn't think of anything to say. The silver Mercedes pulled up right outside the hospital. Meredith wiped the rain from her face and brushed the hair out her eyes. Richard stepped out the car and took a deep breath in. He could see Meredith standing in the rain.

'Meredith why are you standing out here? It's pouring down with rain'

'Chief we need to talk,'

'What's happened Meredith?'

'She's…she's dead,' the words hit Richard like a ton of bricks. He wrapped his arms around Meredith and started crying. He may not have left his wife for her but he still loved her. Meredith could sense how he was feeling and guided him into the hospital. He collapsed on the seats in the hospital lobby. Derek stood looking down as his Chief, mentor and past professor broke down because he couldn't save a life. It was killing him inside. Meredith was kneeling down in front of him, holding his hand and trying to comfort him.

'What happened?'

'She bled into her brain, Derek tried to stop the bleeding but it was no use, she was too far gone,' Meredith could feel herself beginning to break. The tears were stinging her eyes when the banks burst and she couldn't stop. Richard pulled her up and she was sitting on his knee, crying into his neck.

'It's ok…it's ok,' Richard was feeling the same as Meredith but it took her crying to realise that he wasn't the only one to of lost somebody and that Meredith had lost her mother.

'I'm sorry, I shouldn't be doing this, you're my chief'

'Meredith shut up,' Meredith stood up and headed for the elevator.

'I'm gong to see her, do you want to see her?'

'Only if it's ok with you'

'Come on, I need you with me,' Richard stood up and followed Meredith up into the elevator. Derek went and went into Ellis Greys room.

'I'm so sorry,' Leaning back against the wall he could sense that he wasn't alone.


	9. All she needs is Time

It had been a week since Ellis Grey had passed away but to Meredith it seemed like yesterday. She tried to put it to the back of her mind but she got phone calls and cards and letters from people she didn't know and never would, saying how sorry they were for her mothers death. The day of the funeral had arrived and Meredith was dreading it. She had arranged it all herself, not wanting anybody else to do anything. Derek had been her rock and it was at night when she needed him most. The crying herself to sleep, the nightmares and even just the thoughts she had, Derek had helped her through them all. Meredith climbed out of bed and headed straight for the shower. She didn't want to talk to anybody and wanted the day to pass quickly. The water cascaded down her back and lavender soothed her but not much.

'Mere, you want anything?'

'I'm fine,' those two words had passed her lips so often they meant nothing to her or anyone she said them to. They had changed meaning. They didn't mean she was fine, they meant go away, leave me alone. Derek was breaking up inside. He was he one person Meredith turned to but she wouldn't let him in. Meredith stepped out the shower and pulled her black suit on. Looking down at the suit she sighed. The last time she had worn it was to her aunt's funeral.

That's when the thought hit her. She had no family left. Her father was gone, her mother dead and there were no siblings or aunts, uncles or cousins to lean on. She was alone. Meredith dried her hair straight and let it hang freely on her face. Derek was standing in his suit, looking at the window.

The car was there to pick them up. Izzie and George had gone on ahead. Meredith took hold of Derek's hand and left the house, silently. Derek watched as tears rolled down her cheeks. There was no point wiping them away as more came instantly. At the chapel, there were around one hundred people there. Some Meredith recognised as Doctors she spoke to in elevators as a child, others she didn't know at all.

She and Derek sat down the front and watched as people came up and said there piece and told their story about the great Ellis Grey but it all went straight through Meredith. As the service was about to end Meredith stood up and walked up to the coffin. Turning to face everyone she smiled.

'Some of you know who I am, for those of you who don't; I was her daughter, Meredith. I just wanted to say thank you for coming. My mom would have been proud but there's just one thing that I need to say,' She took a deep breath in and braced herself for the reaction to what she was about to say.

'I didn't know my mother and neither did most of you. Yeah you had stories and tales to tell of her but nobody really knew my mother except for one man and he knows who he is,' Richard bowed his head as Meredith made eye contact.

'I watched my mother get to a state where she didn't even know what day it was or year or even who she was. She didn't know me and I didn't know her. You may be wondering why I'm telling you this but I am for the simple reason to say I'm sorry. Sorry that nobody except one man knew who my mother really was. Sorry that I didn't try and get to know her. Sorry that I wasn't the perfect daughter but most of all sorry that I didn't tell her that I loved her before she died. It kills me inside that she didn't hear me say I love you,' Meredith broke down and Derek walked up and wrapped his arms around her.

As she went to sit back down she whispered 'I love you mom,'

Derek guided her back to her seat as the coffin was taken away into the car. Meredith walked behind the car, holding Derek's hand, as it drove up to the grave site. There was a stone already set in place.

'Catharine Hardin Aged 52 beloved Daughter and sister to Ellis. May she rest in Eternal peace with god by her side,' underneath the writing, a new inscription had been made.

'Ellis Grey aged 63. Daughter and Mother. One of the greats. Rest in peace,' it was plain and simple. Meredith didn't know what to have put on the stone. She didn't want her name on it and she didn't want surgeon on it. Meredith hated the fact everyone knew her mother for being a surgeon and not a mother.

'Ashes to ashes, dust to dust,' Meredith couldn't take it any longer. Turning away from the patch of ground she fell into Derek's chest and began sobbing. She couldn't take it. Everyone was watching her, wondering if she would just spontaneously break down. Their wish had been granted. Derek held her in tightly and kissed her head.

'It's ok, I'm here…its ok,' Her coffin was placed in the ground and everyone dispersed, leaving a few people by the graveside. Derek and Meredith stayed, along with George and Izzie. As Meredith turned to face the land she spotted him standing by the tree. Leaving Derek's side she ran over to him.

'Richard…' She threw her arms around him and felt his tears hitting her shoulder.

'You always loved her, you never stopped,' Standing up straight he fixed his jacket.

'Meredith, she knew you loved her, even when she wasn't lucid, she knew it,' Meredith nodded her head and turned back to the graveside.

'Come back to the house. It's only a few people and I'd really like you to be there,'

'Meredith…'

'Please, I'd really like you to be there,'

'Ok, I'll see you at the house,' Richard walked back to his car and left Meredith alone. As she looked around the graveyard the wind picked up and started rustling the leaves in the trees. Derek was standing at the car with Izzie and George.

'She we go and get her?'

'No, let her have so time, that's what she needs, nothing but time,'


	10. you dont like somthing you throw it away

Richard Webber pulled up out side the house and hit his hands off the steering wheel. It rain had started and the sound hitting the window was relaxing him. As he closed his eyes he could see her standing, against the door frame of the scrub room. The sound of tapping on his side window startled him out her dream. Meredith was standing, the rain falling down her face.

'Meredith, you are going to get sick, get inside,'

'Come with me. I need you. Derek didn't know my mother. You did,' Richard pulled his keys out the car and put his arm round Meredith. As they entered the house he whispered in her ear.

'Go and Get changed, you don't want to get the flu.' Meredith headed up the stairs and started changing when Derek stood at the door.

'I don't think I can put up with much more of this,'

'You're not alone Mere,' as she lifted her wet clothes she started crying. Derek took his jacket off and hugged her tightly.

'I'm here, it's ok, I'm here,' Meredith dropped the clothes and turned to hold on tightly to Derek's shirt. She couldn't bear it. The people down the stairs didn't know her mother. Why did they even care? She just didn't understand. Her legs became weak and she couldn't hold her body up any longer. Derek scooped her up and carried her over to the bed. As he laid her down she grabbed at his shirt again.

'Don't leave me,' Derek nodded his head and climbed in beside her. She turned to face him, snuggling into his chest. As her breathing even out and she became more relaxed Derek looked down to see she was fast asleep and for the first time since her mother died, she was sleeping peacefully. Slipping out the bed he took his tie off and slipped down the stairs. Everyone had gone, including Richard. Izzie and George were cleaning up the kitchen; Alex and Christina were sorting the living room.

'How she doing?'

'She's sleeping but it won't last long. When did everyone leave?'

'About fifteen minutes ago,' Derek poured himself coffee and stood looking out the window. A thud could be heard from up the stairs. Dropping the cup he ran up the stairs, followed by George and Izzie. Meredith was sitting on the floor, going through books.

'This was her favourite one. 'Folly' She used to read this to me when I was younger,' Meredith suddenly through the book against the wall.

'This was one she threw at my dad and caught him on the chest. That was so funny,' Meredith threw the book at the mirror. Izzie and George left Derek with Meredith.

'Why are you throwing the books about?'

'Cause that's what life's about. If you don't like something, you throw it away. Maybe if I throw all these books away, I'll forget she's dead and that she's never going to hear me say that I loved her,' Meredith picked up another book but Derek prized it out her hands. She just turned and looked at him.

'Mere, by throwing the books you're not doing any good. You need to remember that your mom wasn't just about possessions like books, she was your mom who took you to the beech, held you at night when you were scared, gave you a plaster if you cut your knee.' Meredith looked to the floor and the flood gates opened. Derek sat next to her and put his arms around her.

'Your mom knew how much she loved you. You might not have said it to her very often but she knew it,'

'I want to go see the ferryboats,' Meredith stood up and pulled her jeans and Dartmouth top on. Derek changed and the pair left the house, knowing full well that ferryboats weren't the answer.

'Do you want to go out?'

'No, I just want to watch them,' Meredith climbed out the car, zipping her jacket up so it covered her mouth. Derek left her on her own and let her walk about. As she was sitting on the bench she could see a small lily floating ion the surface of the water. Smiling to herself she could sense Derek was watching her. Turning to face him, she outstretched her arm towards him. He took hold of it and sat next to her, drawing her in towards his chest.

'I love you,'

'I love you too mere,'

'Would she of liked the ferry boats?'

'Yeah, I think she just might have,'


	11. You have Me

Meredith lifted the chart and headed into room 4309. A small elderly woman was sitting on the bed, knitting.

'Mrs Patterson?'

'Yes?'

'I'm Dr Grey; can you tell me where your pain is?' The old woman put the knitting down and turned to face Meredith. She looked frail.

'My lower back. It started when I was lifting a bottle out of the cupboard in my kitchen,'

'Yeah a bottle of brandy,' A tall, slim brunette walked in and sat on the seats next to the bed.

'Ok, I need to ask you a few questions. When did you last eat?'

'This morning, toast,'

'Ok, what was you're last fluid intake?'

'Tea this morning,'

'Check her blood for alcohol, probably mixed some whiskey in her tea,'

'Emma,'

'What, you saying it's not true?'

'Emma,' Emma was beginning to grate on Meredith.

'She may also have some in her bag,' the brunette leaned bag against the chair and folded her arms. The small woman's eyes began watering.

'Do you have any health issues?'

'I'm on aspirin to thin my blood,'

'She doesn't tell me what meds she's on but check in case she's on any for liver failure,' That was the last straw.

'I don't believe you. Your mother could be seriously ill and your sitting there making her feel so guilty. You don't know what's wrong with your mother. Maybe she doesn't tell you tell you anything because she knows you will judge her. Get a grip. She's your mother; you don't have the right to judge her!'

'Dr Grey, what's going on in here?' Bailey was standing in the door, her hands on her hips. Meredith threw the chart on the bed and ran out the room.

'I'm sorry about that. She will be dealt with,' Bailey lifted the chart and placed it back in the nurses' station.

'Where did Grey go?'

'The emergency exit,'

'Page Shepherd, tell him to follow me' Bailey walked over and pushed the door open. She could hear Meredith at the top of the stairs. Walking up she could see her intern sitting on the stairs, holding her head in her hands. Sitting next to Meredith, she pulled her in against her chest.

'It's ok,' Bailey sat with Meredith until she spotted Derek coming up the stairs. Stopping at the bottom of the flight he took a sharp breath in.

'Mere…' Taking each step slowly, he walked up and scooped her up in his arms. She wrapped her arms around his next as he took her down to the on call rooms.

'Shepherd, take her home. Stay with her. She needs you. I'll tell the Chief what's happening,' Derek nodded and turned to go to the locker rooms. Christina was changing but stopped when she seen Meredith.

'Shit,'

'Can you get her bag?' Christina handed Derek her bag and carried her out to the car. She remained silent the whole way home, even when he lifted her out the car. Laying her down on the bed he pulled the covers over her. Turning to go away she grabbed his hand.

'Don't leave me alone like she did,' Derek nodded and lay on the bed beside her. She turned into his chest.

'She was all I had left. My aunt was dead, my dad I don't know, No cousins, brothers or sisters. I have nobody,'

'You have me,'

'Do I have you?'

'Always,'

'Promise me you won't leave me?'

'I promise,' as the words left his mouth, Meredith realised that was all she needed to hear, that she wasn't alone. Letting everything go, she finally fell asleep, knowing her wasn't going to leave her.


End file.
